I'm glad I'm a man, of that I am proud.
I'm not at all bitchy, annoying and loud.
I won't try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small.
My credit card is still good when I leave from the mall.

I won't drink Diet Coke, or eat a rice cake.
There's no silicone here, my chest isn't fake.
My face isn't "lifted," my bra isn't stuffed,
I do what's proper, I leave the toilet seat up.

It doesn't take hours to fix up my hair,
I don't see the need to use bathrooms in pairs.
I won't throw a tirade and then blame PMS.
I'm a man and I'm glad I can deal with my stress.

I have intuition, I never get lost.
I share household duties, I won't try to be the boss.
I'm a man and with that comes a high sense of class,
I won't wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass.

I won't cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot
I don't make up false places, like the infamous "G-spot.
" I won't go out at night in a black mini-skirt,
then slap anybody that just tries to flirt.

You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall,
To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls.
Yes, I'm pleased to be male and I don't mean to gloat.
I'm sorry you don't understand how to work the remote.
I'll never tease you, or play hard to get.
If I don't get my way, I won't throw a fit.
I don't worry much about breaking a nail,
My face without makeup isn't distorted and pale.

I'll never say one thing while meaning another.
When life gets real hard, I won't run to my mother.
In order to understand just who I am;
You need a Y-chromosome; it's what makes you a man.

Defining the Female Personality

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess,
I have two mounds upon my bodice.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
I can justify any shopping spree.
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on.
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don't drive in circles at any cost,
So I don't have to admit when I am lost.

Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon Every time I go to the john.
Let me tell you men, listen to me boys.
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys.

You love them more then we ever will.
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.
I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you're two hours late.

I don't watch movies with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a bitch.

I don't wear the same underwear everyday.
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
I don't go to Sears to look at the tools.
I don't cheat at poker, I follow the rules.

I don't smoke cigars.
Don't pay for drinks at bars.
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry.

I know all you men
Think that you're "IT",
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!